The 5 Core Couples’ Issues
When you are arguing about the dishes or which way to drive from location A to B, or other seemingly small things, it is usually actually about one of these foundational issues.
Trust
Trust is not just about fidelity, it is about whether or not you trust your partner to make good decisions, act in your interest, function as a good steward of your relationship. We want to know that our partner has our back.
Togetherness/Closeness/Healthy Separateness
Do we have enough quality time together to maintain our connection? Do we have enough individual autonomy to be ourselves, to be interesting to ourselves and have something of interest to bring back to each other?
Equity/Contribution
Are we both doing our share of the work to keep the relationship moving forward and to take care of the responsibilities of our life together?
Not every area has to be 50/50. There simply has to be general agreement that we are doing the part that we have agreed on together.
Respect/Recognition
Are we getting the positive reinforcement, validation, and appreciation we need to feel seen, noticed valued?
Power/Control
Who is in charge in the matter at hand? Who gets to decide? What are our respective roles. Sometimes power can be shared with an equal vote in the matter, and sometimes couples agree for one partner to be the leader in a certain area with the other partner in an advisory role. This is sometimes necessary for the sake of efficiency and utiilizing each individual’s strengths and areas of interest.
Understanding and articulating the dynamics of these 5 areas can help a couple get out of the loop of being stuck on smaller issues. If it’s an issue that shouldn’t be quite so hard, it’s often because one of these bigger issues is the undercurrent that is pulling us into a conflict.